I don’t remember laughing at myself much as a child… but I have laughed a lot since. My childhood was great and full of cutting off Barbie’s hair, making miniature everything’s (my career in craft hasn’t since taken off….why?), making bands with my siblings (‘The Four Donnays’) and my school friends (‘Fender’), disliking peas, not understanding why an 8-year-old had such a huge arse, wonky fringes, beating up my sister and developing a cat obsession. Little Bry was pretty hilaire. I’ve remembered and reflected that until the age of thirteen I was occasionally a massive liar and for someone who was top set for everything, really lacking in common sense. As my first blog post in a very long time, I’m going to share some great childhood truths with you. I’m 21 in four days, so maybe some soul searching will help me to not freak out.
1) I wrote a fan letter to Cliff Richard.
Anyone who knows me really well knows that I have a really bad dislike for this dude. I didn’t even like him as a child, but when ‘Fender’ formed (a really successful group… bahaha) when I was 10, I decided to drop him some words. I told him that he was the ‘inspiration for my year 6 band’ and that Summer Holiday ‘changed my life in ways he could not understand’. He didn’t reply because I realised a few months later that the website I had written to was a fan site, and in fact was run by an old fella who probably owns every one of Cliff’s successful calendar’s from the beginning of time. Because Cliff Richard was born with the Earth, and every cave man owned one of his calendars because that’s how famous he is.
2) I broke a slide
I’ve reduced grown men and women to tears with this story. I had a bit of a whale-y few years when I was about 8 or 9. It was a glittery summer day and the toddler’s pool was out, I was in a swimming costume with frills on the sleeves (my introduction to fashion, obviously), there was a slide. It was one of those that is compulsory for any family with a garden to own: red and yellow. You definitely know the one, you monkeys. My cousin was behind me on the slide, and he gave me a little helpful push to send me down into the pool at the bottom… I bounced a little as I went, my round, unfathomably prematurely large thighs and backside springing off the plastic. The thing split in two; clean down the middle. I was horrified at the time but now I feel like it was a defining moment in my life and I can only use it to my advantage. HAVE YOU BROKEN A SLIDE?!
3) My first king prawn experience
This is also my first La Tasca experience, so like, one of the top ten most important days in my life, clearly. We ordered one of everything (not really, but I’m building a picture, guys), and I was enamoured by the sexy bearded Spanish waiters (who are probably from Wakefield). We had King Prawns and I dug in. They were so crunchy and I was like… dude I do not understand the hype around these things. Give me a skinny ass prawn any day! I was narrating my experience to my Mother and Step-Father, and my Mother laughed and totally joking said ‘haha you aren’t eating the shell are you?’ And I said…. ‘what shell?’ Mum just laughed again… so I repeated the question. What bloody shell!?
I literally ate the whole Prawn. Like face, eyes, crunchy rear… the whole crustacean.
4) I lied to my first love.
I have only been ‘in love’ once and I wasn’t really. It was in the days where I wore walking boots and jumpers to birthday parties and my fringe was always greasy. And I was still in wire rimmed glasses; the early 2000’s weren’t a great year for the whole visual Bryony experience. Anyway, I told the guy I fancied that I was grade one at drums. I’m not. I literally had never touched a drum set in my life. But hey… nobody ever found out so when I did my drum demonstrations- the humble drum roll- I must have been pretty banging.
I feel like there are more stories to my childhood, but I’m going to with-hold them a bit longer because I’m at 800 words and I really want to go and source some food.
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