Creepy Old Men/ stalkers

This week has had a slight theme re conversation topics. Well, apart from the Miley Cyrus debate. I started writing about that then I realised I am actually bored of reading about it so I won’t inflict pain on your pretty eyes. Anyway, this week I’ve had so many conversations about creepy old men and being approached by them.

1)      Iron Maiden Kilt guy

I was an Iron Maiden gig (don’t judge me, the ticket was free) and the shin dig had finished and I was stood at the end of a row waiting for the world to end or whatever. My family were talking at the other end of the row and this guy with an orange Mohican approached me. He had on a tartan kilt and nothing else. He was probably only about thirty and I don’t think he had underwear on (you could just tell by the way... you know... they hung... AH). When he got to me, he just put his hands around my arse and started talking to me like I’d known him for years. Just talking and kneading my ass like focaccia. I looked over to my sister to try and get her to come over, but she didn’t seem to feel like it was an urgent situation. I eventually battled him away in a really girly fashion and he walked off. I asked my sister why she didn’t help me, and I quote, she said ‘oh! I thought you knew him!’ Yeah, so now we’re married with six children, it worked out pretty well. JOKES.

2)     Carly Rae Jepson’s Dad

Train journeys are either really therapeutic or extremely stressful. This train journey was full of people who smelled like beer and lies or children. Thankfully the children weren’t with the beer-y people. And the children didn’t have beer. Anyway, I had only been sat down five minutes before I had a tap on my shoulder and this man WAY over the age of fifty slurred either the words ‘I like your spoon’ or- the one I think is more likely- ‘I like your boobs’. Because- as all of my friends will testify- I am eternally incapable of being rude to strangers, I replied ‘thank you!’ He left me alone for about ten minutes before prodding me again, this time just for prodding’s sake. I ignored and tried to shufty along my seat a bit. He behaved for about half an hour more, then his hand appeared around the side of my seat with a phone poised for me to see. He had written a text with no recipient, just for me: ‘hey, I just met you, and this is crazy! But here’s my number, so call me maybe.’ I just slapped his hand away. I genuinely do not mind you laughing about this now, but at the time I was mildly scared. But in hind sight, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. If I didn’t laugh I would hysterically cry.

3)     The Comedian

I kind of don’t mind this one so much. A middle aged man came up to me a in a sport’s bar (it turns out that these bars are just the same as other bars and you don’t have to have stick legs or a six pack, they still serve you whiskey!). He said: ‘you are very refreshing to look at’. I asked, why, kind sir? He replied that he thought it was nice that I didn’t wear lots of make- up and I was very natural. The reason I find this hilarious is that I do actually wear make- up. It’s just not Dulux ‘mango melody’. My mother recently tried to take a guess at the colour of my make-up and tried ‘morbid pallor’ and ‘last breath’. He was a comedian at Mr. Ben’s Comedy Club in Leeds, so he might have just been having a laugh.

4)     The Stalker I Accidently Encouraged

I’ve recently had a bit of a creepy stalker. He would ring me pretty much every day between the hours of 11:00pm and 5:00am. He rang me off his mobile, which I quickly learned to ignore. One night I was waiting for a friend to call me off a land line, and my mobile rang. I answered it and it turns out, just by the good lord hating me, that it was le stalker. Again, being totally inadequate in the art of telling people to bugger off, I had a conversation with him. My mother was stood in front of me going ‘don’t be nice. Stop it. What are you doing. Tell him to leave you alone’. Instead I opted for something along the lines of ‘hello!!! So nice to hear from you! Yes… I am just about to go to bed so how about you ring me tomorrow? I’m free all day. Speak to you then!’ I had effectively told my phone-stalker to call back the next day. Naturally, he called at 4:30am the next morning, and because I am not as personable in the middle of the night I told him to jog on.

5)     My Friend’s Experiences of Creeps

A few of my friends have told me their... favourites? That feels like the wrong word. One had an old man come up to her in a bar and simply say ‘ALRIGHT BITCH?’ Another had a man cup her bottom cheeks on the way off the bus. The last one I will mention is a bit sinister, but as I naturally make light of every situation I feel uncomfortable about I want to leave the blog post on the note that it is actually really eerie and scary. All of these things usually happen when you’re on your own.

‘I wasn't happy with a random bloke the same age as my dad taking a photo of me. He said ‘what, so you're telling me your dad has never crawled into your bed late at a night and given you one?’

I have also experienced really horrible comments off men well over twice my age. The reality is that if you are on your own and feeling unsafe, it is literally the worst feeling. It saddens me that a lot of the men seem to have alcohol problems, and probably need extensive help and support. They are probably lonely and would rather make disgusting remarks than try and have a proper conversation. It reminds of the reasons why trolls operate within the internet. It is easy communication for the isolated, but it is so, so scary when you are on the receiving end of it.

Author's note: I am eternally petrified of coming across as though I don't represent men. I have been informed of creepy women, too, so if any of you want to message me your experiences for a creepy old women post I'm totally up for it! I can just only talk about my experiences and those of my (mostly female) pals. #ILOVEMEN