10 things I didn’t know about myself (or I forgot about) until I read my high school leaver’s book

I left school four years ago. In the time since I’ve been in that really fun but really bloody awful time of your life where you don’t know what to do with yourself. I decided to read my leaver’s book to remind myself of why I am (oh, shit! Maybe was) brilliant at life.

1)      Apparently I was a ‘beautiful actress and singer’. This is very kind. I played the narrator in the school production of Joseph- beauty is in the eye of the back-comber.  My hair was back-combed until it sat on my head like a nest. It was fun but I can’t say any acting skills were used until Joseph was singing ‘Close Every Door’ and the narrators (three of us) sang the backing vocals. I remember picking a spot on the wall and putting on the most wounded, sincere face I could imagine. Jesus H. Christ.

2)     People did notice my arse was huge. I spent most of my life in denial but my leaver’s book describes my rear as ‘a balcony to perform Shakespeare from’ and ‘It is huge. The perfect size!’ The huge- arsed monster doth enjoy the meat it feeds on.

3)     I came across like I didn’t care what anybody thought. This was quite a comment throughout. I know it’s supposed to be a compliment but I don’t feel like I oozed this quality so now I’m scared that I looked un-kempt and hostile for five years of my life. Does this mean I was jovially placid or did I just look like a massive tramp!?

4)     ‘A good drunk’. Oh, word.

5)     A ‘total hussy’ and I took part in ‘gang bangy nights’. I would like to state that this means that once three of us kissed each other at the same time for about ten seconds as an experiment. #Slag.

6)     I fell over a lot. I fell down a flight of stairs at an under- 18’s club and showed everybody my undertent (oops, underwear). I also once slipped after drinking a glass of Cava at my friends house and cracked my head on the wall. This hasn’t really changed.

7)     I am apparently having a child with one of my school-mates that will be ‘sexy’ in looks.

8)     I’m going to be a fashion designer (don’t ever remember saying I wanted to design anything of any nature apart from perhaps cat collars.)

9)     I really wanted to be famous.

10)   I was 'a bit hyper, like, all the time.’