Six problems I face by… having a big bootay.

1. I get stuck between things.

The worst culprits are pub tables. I once got stuck between the wall and the table and my friend Eddie laughed at me. He didn’t really realise what was happening to me at first, but when he did he laughed. A lot. Then when he carried his food back from the bar a few minutes later he tripped up and his bun went flying. If that’s not a sign then I’m Roy Cropper.

2. Body applause.

If I don’t wear clothes and I jump, my rear claps me. I think it must be because my existence is so great. Or the size of my arse.

3. Things actually get lost.

The amount of times I have stood up after being on the sofa and found electronic items is vast. Last week it was my sister’s IPod. I’d told her adamantly I hadn’t seen it. Which was true it was just hiding.

4.  Nobody can ever tell you your bum doesn’t look big in that.

If any of my friends have said anything other than ‘yes’ to ‘does my arse look huge?’ I know to terminate the friendship because they are liars. Actually, I might make this the passing test for potential friends. However, it is okay to say what my Cypriot friend says which is 'you look thick but tight'. 

5. Being groped.

Clubs are the worst. I’m not a stability handle, hold your drink.

6. Mistaken for significant scientific events.

‘UNEXPECTED ECLIPSE OF THE SUN!!!!! Nope… Bryony just bent in front of the lamp.’